finally. it's the last day of the month. there's no sch tmr. wanna listen to how stupid i sound? i miss the tao nan school hall. especially the floor. bah. see, i dun make sense. but seriously. i miss the FLOOR! then again, who in the right mind would miss the FLOOR?! and the pillars. it seems so strange to see the name of my class, SINCERITY in my primary sch.
okay. so today is tchrs' day cel. goodness. scgs cheers better than tns but tns holds better parties than scgs. but when it comes to celebrations, scgs seriously rocks. we assembled in the field today. haha. i was sitting with davinia. we din really wanna sit cos it was wet but then again.. who cares? we were in PE shorts aniwaes. yellow and green our SC sch badge.. bah. it sounded more lyk how oneSY looked lyk on the field. the scgs field compared to tns is much BETTER. the tracks are better and the field isnt as BARE as tns'.
oh yes btw. mrs F wore the class tee today. it was kinda funny haha. cos she seriously looked lyk a lemon. our class tee's lemon yellow as u knw and mrs F is pregnant. haha. so her stomach swelled and it made her look lyk a lemon. after flag raising and some prize-giving ceremony, we commenced with the ACES workout. blearghs. it was so weird. the funny thing was tt mr teo actually did also! the whole class was laughing cos he looked really gae-ish. hahs. and his t-shirt was lyk... black and PURPLE?! gahs. universal gae colour. lols.
after tt we went bck to class. jia hui and i went around looking for tchrs and handing them "flowers" haha. she had left out miss tan, mrs chan and quite a few. we handed to mrs F's to her personally. it was so cool. she looked as tho she was abt to cry. then she said " oh so cute! can i put it in my cup of water?" she had been holding her cup of water haha.
as for some of the other teachers, we stuffed them into their pegion holes haha. couldnt be bothered to look for them. besides, the staff room was packed with people. and i seriously mean PACKED. after tt jia hui and i jus stayed in class to slack with the others. haha.
then we went for the tchrs' day cel performance. the prefects had made our teachers put on these fake tiara crowns. this was all cos the theme of the celebrations today was Royalties. haha. mrs F looked so undeniably adorable. haha. she had had a standing ovation from our class and a few other people when she came into the amphitheatre. shouting and screaming for her. the performance was wonderful. much better than the ones at tns. cos at tns they always do the same stuff. they always sing the teachers' day song. i've grown sick of it after hearing it for the 7th time this year. but at scgs, they dun. they do far more innovative stuff. dance, drama and everything. we even did our sch cheer. rocks rawks rox much.
after sch and on the bus to tns, i met 2 ex-tns ppl who were my sec2 seniors. lols. so cool. one of them used to be frm 6G too! haha. and then in tns, i saw a few 3PR seniors in the hall. it was so frigging weird. their class tee was everything i needed to identify them. then i had given that "flower" to mdm tan too. RIGHT IN THE FACE OF MRS TAN. YEAHH. i didn't gif anithing to her. she can go and rot in hell. mdm tan really appreciated the "flower" thing. that was really funny for me though.
rmb i said tt ruici wanted to go out after the cel? apparently, she bcame thoroughly sian-ded. well kinda true. so was i. going out is becoming a chore. besides, i cant stay out for long cos i'm going out for dinner tonite.. or so my mother says...
okay it's insanity. tns. let's recap who i saw. i had seen janet, si-pei, nicolea, ying hui, boon tiong, tommy, augustine, larry, jun kai, iris seow, iris ng, anna, yan yan, wai leng, shevaun, esther, joshua, li zhi, han ren and many others larhs. sigh. wore that weird-ded yellow class tee to sch. so frigging STRIKING. bah.
after seeing him in sch again. i've noticed why i feel tt smthn's missing. it's gone. that impulse. vanished. disappeared. he's nothing but an oblivious fool now that once was my classmate. not a word we spoke. it was like battling in a silent war. not that i really care anymore. now there's no more wall i might as well just forget that i had such a horribly immature and witless classmate. one year. just one year and everything has been torn asunder. with that as the state of mind i'm in, tns becomes so... blank. that whole memory washed and faded away after churning so many times in my subconcious. i cant be bothered and shall be less consipcuous. i hope it makes me less convulsed with fear and rage. ms lee thinks i've got too much angst in me. so does cheng gong. why?
this "angst", or so they say. what is it? why am i so affected by it? why cant they not think how this rage had built up over the years, months, weeks, days? things change over time. i don't even know what am i or who i am now.

the four cakes were great. lols. 1SY. you rock ((: we rock ((:
hahas. mrs fern took all the cherries and mr teo took 3 slices of cake. bah. greedy pig. blearghs. thr's lyk no dance today? lol. argh wtv lorh.. i've gotten rid of 2 stalks of the toy flower thing... getting rid of another one tonite. it's the red rose for ms lee. hahs.
bah. tis is gonna be really short. i've gotta get ready for ms lee's class later.
bah. i tink it's either the flu is seriously getting to me now or i dono wat's happening. i'm hearing a lot of buzzing in my head. my head's throbbing again. tis morning, i saw the weirdest green taffic colour... maybe it WAS like that or it was jus my eye. or am i really seeing weird colours?! bah. the green was kinda of a mix between a blue and a green. lame. and my head. i hear this zzz sound but thr's nothing larhs duh. my head's throbbing. that's the WORST. it's throbbing again. no injury or wtv. but why issit throbbing again?!
bah. sch ends at 12 tmr but for RGS it ends at 10 and for TKSS it's at 10.30. blearghs. SUX LARHS. by the time i reach tns ruici wld hv been thr for lyk 2 hrs? tt's RIDICULOUS. sigh. but what can i do? BAH.
aiyah. head seriously hurts. i'll get offline as soon as possible.

SHOO!

oh goodness. it's another monday. it's already the last week of sch for this term. sigh. i din do do my zuo ye and english compres. bah. how sad. i want to cry mann. ARGH. cry as in cry of anger. bah. my report book is so DISAPPOINTING. my history and geography has dropped lyk shit. sigh. i'm SAD.
t'ang quartet came to perform for our assembly today. they performed in tns b4 and i rmb ruici volunteered to play the cello ((: hahas. after sch, i went to take 171 and dropped at Tangs. lols. met my mother thr cos we had to walk all the way to tanglin shopping centre to find OKH. i wanted my bloch suprima pointe shoes. BAH. bloody MAY. omg. u knw wat? i've nvr really been to tt side of orchard road. it's kinda cool hahas. all the hotels and everything. and guess wat. OKH is so much better than that bloody sonata. they sell even the book on the exam rubrics for the grade examinations and the majors. lols. so happy. i actually found the pair of pointe shoes. bah. i'm laming out.
after tt, we just walked out. after tt we hung around in the Forum and went to toys r'us. lols NO, i wasnt getting toys for myself. it was some stuff for teachers' day. spent abt 50 bucks on 16 stalks of something. so bloody expensive. ruici and i are still indecisive over where to go after tchr's day at tns. gahs.
onesy's holding a class party tmr for the tchrs. lols. these kind ppl extorted mny frm their fellow classmates just to pay for an ice cream cake. i dono if they're buying frm swensens' or haagendaz. bah. i havent even cured frm the flu and cough yet. even worse, the headaches and dizziness are back to haunt me once again. sadly, my feet are peeling in 6 areas now.
2 days to tchrs' day cel. and i cant remember what i had done that day. i just have this stupid memory of ruici and i buying red pens at the sch bkshp for yuan jing. for some apparent reason she was so happy, and she was the only tchr i had given a present to. she had been my chinese tchr in p5 and 6. she's gone bck to china. i prefer her so much more than that bloody soh khai hoon. i still can rmb what i had given to ms lee last yr thru darshini cos i din hv class. thnx to PSLE days. i had missed the dance studio so much. doesnt make sense? well read this. want to know what's happiness? DO THE GRADE 6 WORK. it's really... beyond description. i had gotten this ballerina keychain thing for her. come to think of it. i dun really rmb much abt it othr than tt i had gotten it frm isetan.
so much is happening. mrs F's last class with us is on wednesday. which is tchrs' day cel. i dont know why it seems lyk so much to me when it is so trivial. it seems lyk i'm making things worse by thinking too much about it. why, you cant blame me. i'm that way.
i cant wait. cant cant cant. nadine's birthday is this friday. JUST THIS FRIDAY. i can remember so well what happened when i gave her her birthday present last year. i had gotten her this really nice shade of blue photo frame with sea shells in it. i had placed in my p2 class photo. i had said it was for her to remember HAN REN. but actually, it's just to remind her about tns cos we were all in uniform aniwaes.
when she read the caption i had put at the back of the photo, she ended up chasing me all around the school. hahas. i miss doing that too. i JUST MISS THE P6 YEAR. i dont know why. it was just so... wonderful? the insanity, the noise, all the HORNY jokes, the striving days, the days of painful mugging and less penknives. now, i hardly even talk to zi wei. i still remember how often we went to parkway. doing a lot of crap haha. even tho runescape IS lame, it was FUN cos i was with my friends and we bullied a lot of noobs. esp that boon tiong. bloody loser used his sis' name - boonyi. bah. killing him in the wildy was like the cherry on top. besides, mugging for PSLE, 2 prelims and playing on the comp was easy to handle.. not exactly that arduous. but this year, it's simply horrible for me. the ardour to come to school to actually talk about things i used to last year has vanished.
bah. come off it alisha. i'm OVER that Blasted Tourniquet. i dont know how but it's just gone. he's now nothing more than a mere memory barely surviving at the back of my subconcious. the memories of him and i are fading. so quickly that i cant even remember much anymore.
and how weirdly i have just noticed after lyk 8 months. life is so different without nadine. how? i dont know. how utterly weird can i get? it's just that there's no one to complain about hilary duff to anymore. there's no more jia yi in ur conversations anymore. and it seems lyk u havent even mentioned his name in lyk... 5 months? i know how much you want to damn me for jus bringing this up but yeah, wouldnt you look back and laugh at it? frankly speaking, i miss the amount of grammar worksheets bitchy tan used to gif jia ying and my class to do. they were time wasting but it was really easy. hahs.
writing you a birthday card has revived all these memories. but sadly enough, we all know even when you come back frm aus one day, it won't be the same. you've changed, i've changed, we've all changed. everything's not the same anymore. i've lost the ability to scream as much as last time. i rmb last time whenever i saw han ren i wld push u towards him. haha. and all of a sudden u start blushing cos u knw why i pushed you. it WAS funny. actually... it STILL IS!
as for jia ying. i rmb tt tym ur bro, u and i were fighting at mr ho's hse. that broomstick and that weirdly shaped hat. and the time we watched white chicks with wei qiang also. lols. rooster head. bah. i havent seen ur bro in lyk MONTHS already anyway. haha. aiyah. pls larhs. actually ur bro quite nice liao la.. dun need to keep complaining. all bros beat up their sisters.. so yeahh.
aiyah. ruici u best. make me kena sunburnt and my skin peeled. i tink tt's why my face bcame laiddt on the day when we collected the PSLE results. rmb the other tym u celebrated ur 11th birthday at the singapore swimming club? BOWLING!. hahs. tt was my first time. and i was glad u were the first one to see me doing it cos i knw tt tt bloody jia ying wld hv larfed her head off. but at least i did STRIKES!! hahs.
as for zi wei. bah. I MISS UR CDS!!!! lols. my cd lending DJ. hahs. aiyah u good lorh.. got christina aguilera and avril lavigne and busted and so many others. i miss going over to your house. gahs. all ur stuff damn fun to play with. we made a mess outta ur room haha. rmb the othr time we tried making u dressing up lyk yuan jing? that was totally hilarious.
now? i'm losing these whole thing. i'm no longer screaming. i cant laugh out loud anymore. i'm too paranoid to do what i like. i feel so boxed in.
as for the guys. kai jin and titus were class clowns. bah. stupid kai jin kept disturbing me during the prelims cos he was sitting next to me. lols. and titus kept disturbing prissy. pity prissy. she had to bear with him for 6 years in the same class. hahs. those days when they did the william hung dance. it was so funny seeing mdm tan and mrs tan laughing at them. haha.
i rmbr p5 too. si-pei and i had rubbed an onion on jason's seat. haha. it was so frigging funny. even tho i'm not on really good terms wit her now, the onion thing was really horrible cos jason din knw and he actually SAT ON HIS CHAIR. haha. we were doing science then btw.. smarty ass went to RI. blearghs. and his best friend clavance dono gone where. david had tried beating up clavance once but he ended up getting bashed up... it seemed so stupid. wait.. he WAS stupid. only mrs tan could make his temper drop...
oh the BLING BLING. i'm missing out on that. i dun scream in sch anymore. i dun enjoy myself. i cant be MYSELF. i'm a masquerader.
hm. all of a sudden i'm thinking about greg. lols i knew him since lyk K2! bah. tt's a LONG time. same class frm p1 to p4. lols even tho we havent spoken to each other lyk for 3 yrs already but now we're talking online. sometimes you just cant understand how odd life can be. how many tricks they play on you. he's like changed so much. he used to be so... on games and now he's lyk going after girls. hahs. FLIRT! lols i'm jkjk...
there are so many other ppl i can talk about but i dun want these memories come flooding my head again or i'll have another sleepless night.
i JUST MISS 2004!!!! the music, the grd 6 work, the P6 year!!! EVERYTHING. you don't know what you have until it's gone.

lols. i finally got beyonce's album liao. it's lyk so long rite? hahs. i cldnt find alicia key's first album. bah. sad. i had gone to parkway wit lee hung, ying zhi and alisha after ballet. bah today at ballet ms lee wasnt here. wat's funny was tt there were 7 ppl at sick bay. lizhong, beverly, shanice, tashi, deborah, alisha and i. out of all 7 ppl, 6 of us had the same illness - COUGH. bah. only lizhong had stomachache. hahas. but alisha and i had an extra illnes.. FLU. blearghs. how sad can life get. ARGH.
after they did their interfound exercises, deb and i had an urge to play the grd 6 cd. oh goodness. i have no idea how much i missed out mann. i love the grd 6 work. it is DAMN NICE. not lyk interfoun. so blearghs. i miss doing the centre in grd 6. i miss the times when we fooled around with our colour leotards. the memories seem so distant now even though it was only lyk about four months ago.
bah shldnt have attempted dancing when i had a headache. i became really dizzy. blearghs.
lols now i'm listening to the beyonce album. goodness. it's damn nice larhs. but makes u kinda sleepy. maybe it's cos i'm sick and i DO feel kinda sleepy. so... yeahh. she's got so many duets. with luther vandross, vaness wu, missy elliot and jay-z. hahs.
blearghs. after getting my cd i went to sonata. cos my mother actually FLUSHED DOWN THE ELASTIC BELT FOR MY BLACK LEOTARD?! bleh. obviously i went with alisha. lols. finally, i found apple rings for chi ying. not to mention it was her birthday ytd which i cldnt go out wit her cos of ballet open hse. oh yes btw, it IS my brother's bday today. blearghs. i will be nice. alright then, Happy Birthday to you...
hahs. ytd, i came across the symptoms of mental illnesses. funny you know there are many different mental illnesses right? the weirdest thing is that it seems that i show more than half the symptoms in bipolar disorder (manic-depression). lols. i showed it to alisha and she kinda went insane. haha. she said it was freaky that most of it actually was how i am. lols. now that's funny..
it's 3 days. JUST 3 DAYS to tchr's day celebration. i cant wait for ruici and jia ying to sign nadine's card. well.. by then it WOULD be kinda late by the time nadine receives the mail. hehs. her bdae's 2 SEPTEMBER. and jia ying's on the 2 NOVEMBER and ruici's one the latest - 17 DECEMBER. lols. these ppl arh. cant foget bdaes or they'll come after my life mann. haha.
oh goodness. i think i'm really sick or smthn. i actually fell asleep at 1800hrs ytd?! lols. alisha's sms woke me up at abt 2200hrs.. i had to take my medicine aniwaes. cldnt fall asleep and alisha tt bloody lucky pig got to watch the maid. not that i wanted to watch but at least she cld go out and actually watch a movie with her mum. u knw wat? when she's on maple there's practically almost nothing that can pull her attention away. bah. then i went bck to sleep at midnite and ended up waking up at 0923. lols. i dun usually sleep tt much unless i'm sick. which this DOES prove tt i'm SICK. gahs. dun make sense? yeah.. tell me about it.. haha

LEAVE ME ALONE.
what's wrong with the whole bloody world. JUST LEAVE ME BE.

X X X:

purple is the universal colour for gays. and so they say.
i failed my science test. cos i din understand a single damn frigging thing as i had been absent on the days the class did tt chapter. today, mrs kee made us do tis online survey abt her. bah. she's PATHETIC. goodness me. she act as though she don't know the whole class hates her to the innest core of their being. totally hypocritical.
sigh. mr teo's pissed with our class. gahs. i tink our class has gone a bit too far with the jokes. he was lyk so quiet when he substituted mrs tan for lit today. after writing on the board abt wat to do for lit and everything, the number of sentences he said to the class didnt even reach TEN. approx larhs duh. he was lyk kinda sulking. hahs. the whole period he sat at the tchr's table pretending to read something. oh come on. we can tell that's all simply pretence.
hm. after sch... had that idiotic health activity thing at suntec's planet fitness. went wit tingfang, deborah, natalie, elaine, leonora, sandra while jia hui hung with her bandmates. comparing the facilities in our weights room to there, it's blatantly obvious ours were simply meagre and quite basic. the stupid dance thing totally sucked. SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED. bahs. esp the dance instructor. tingfang thinks she's bimbotic. blearghs. but she was lyk damn buff larhs. her arms were lyk... WOAH... that horrible hairstyle. and she thinks she has that attitude. bahs. weird instructor. in fact, the whole thing was DEAD BORING. gahs. after tt, elaine and i skulked around suntec. she was looking for a present for her friend, and scarcely for chi ying. hahs. chi ying's bdae's tmr. i've already decided on getting her apple rings. even tho it's kinda CHEAP but she lyks it and she doesnt mind ((: then the following day's my brother's birthday. blearghs. cant be bothered larhs.
i went home at abt 1715. blearghs. the bus was so damn crowded that many had to stand at the steps. aiyah. i carrying sch bag sm more. darn. the bus only emptied slightly when it stopped at parkway. sigh. SQUASHED.
hm let's talk abt ytd's ballet class. ms lee had been wearing orange. my skin is still peeling in four areas and 2 of which are bleeding slightly. ms lee, for the first tym in so many lessons, was actually nice. weird. then after class, alisha and i went to take the bus. funny how retarded and yet coincidental things can get. we're coughing lyk hell and just caught the flu bug today. so ytd on the bus, we were drinking water. the funniest thing was tt we din even lyk plan it and it happened all in unison. even capping the bottles with the same hands. retarded. we only noticed cos we were lyk looking at the reflecting window on the other side of the bus. hahs. simply hilarious.
sad. tmr is the full dress rehearsal for the interfound ppl. blearghs. black leotard. new shoes which i havent even sewn on the ribbons. blearghs. feeling kinda lazy leh.. zzzz.... and guess what. cough medicine isnt working. it's even got me affected with flu. bah. i cant even breathe properly. talk about dancing. oh god. blearghs. and i cant take flu medicine cos it's gonna aggravate my throat and end up with a sore throat. i'm already sounding weird. gahs. life sucks. i need a new pencil case. i want that pencil case frm MYUK. but it's so BIG. lols. and i need more SHIRTS and PANTS. blearghs. and what else do i want? i want to go out more. blearghs. not with THEM. just the other kind of THEM. blearghs. i still want the CDs. i din buy them today. din wanna bring so much mny to sch. DUH.
i want so many things all of a sudden. i WANT A NEW PHONE. blearghs. A NEW PHONE. and i specially specify it to be a NOKIA PHONE. lols. fussy? YEAH. cos i'm not really fond of other fones. esp the those samsung fones. smsing on those othr fones drives me nuts. not used to it. haha. sad. sad. sad. when can i finally get a new fone?!? bleh.
cant believe it. next week's the last week of sch. after tt, the sch hols i've to start mugging. EOF exams in early oct. bah. can relax. and besides, the majors exams and my chinese oral are during the sch hols. bloody hell. some kind of HOLIDAY hurh. still got some bloody chinese storybook supposed to read and get tested on it. ARGH. but come to think of it. it will be our last 2 months in 1SY'o5. never noticed? i hadnt think of it. why do these things keep hitting me at the wrong times? or am i plain pessimistic?!

mrs fern cried today. really sad. why do these things happen to us. bah. you know what's funny? i was actually managed to stay listening to miss quek in class today. an ACHIEVEMENT! woot. bah. it's cos she made me answer a question. singling me out all of a sudden shook me awake. i was kinda doodling on the textbook already. "don't keep harping on the past. move on to the future," says miss tan. THEN WHY THE HELL DO WE STILL DO HISTORY?! blearghs. whatta waste of time. we finally presented the music project today. last minute work but i think it was already kinda good. credits go most to elaine for providing so much of those stuff. ((: and for PE we played badminton. bah. TINGFANG... bah. cant hit the shuttlecock. she play badminton lyk playing tennis laiddt. lols. kinda hilarious to look at i must say. hehs. being evil am i?
after school, i had to go to sonata again. bahs. i cant stand that bloody ANNOYING WOMAN. bah. shall not make myself pissed again. then i went for piano lorhs. mr ho's thinking of making me do the grd8 theory exam nxt yr. lols meanwhile, i'm made to play my brother's grd8 piece. blearghs. not just the first movement. THE WHOLE FRIGGING SONATA. goodness. and i still hv so many othr stuff to photocopy. blearghs. talk about busy...
ballet's in exactly 2hrs and 10 mins. how sad can life get. argh. it seemed as though there's so much to write but my brain goes blank the moment i come online. how wonderful...-note the sarcasm
oh yes. now i rmb. NADINE! i'm done wit ur bdae card. bahs. i'm going to TRY to get the signatures on the card frm other people. but that is if i SEE THEM. oh god. u're so gonna LOVE the back page. i wasted a lot of danielle's pen inks to do that. APPRECIATE IT!!! lols. and i wasted half my science period and the whole of the geog period to actually finish it. ((:

i'm drained. i'm not in the mood for words. so all i have to say today is...
DAMN THE BLARDY BLISTERS.
DAMN THE BLARDY PEELING SKIN.
DAMN THE BLARDY COUGH.
and damn all my bloody homework. GAHS.
my right brain's taking me over.
i'm sounding illogical.
i'm turning nonsensical.
yet not hyper.
bloody cuts on my arm.
thanks to karina's file. haha.
cos i'm bloody careless to swipe my hands right into it.
but who cares?
who cares if it bleeds.

what a great day it has been. - how desperately i wish it was.
blearghs. okayy i admit. i LIED. it was kinda okay today. danielle and i went hyper during class today. we were simply being spastic. whee. not a usual scene for me.
and oh btw. i did this blog post on SHUTTING too. but this is more detailed, i guess? finally i'm being acknowledged in ballet. wow. wat an achievement. someone has stopped being momentarily blind. bah. hahs. alisha. i say she still IS biased to you. no use arguing with me. it's a FACT.
oh yes btw. the prolonged hours i spent with my ballet shoe. i didnt even know there were blisters on my big toes. and now. too much rubbing and causing friction. the skin's peeling. the pain's horrible. with menthylated spirit it's going to be unbearable. can i scream? can i cry? can i die?
goodness. time passes so fast. it's going to be the end of august once again. that means the teachers' day's coming. the thought of going back to tns is foreboding. why is this so? well you know what? i have no idea too. usually i'll be totally excited on going back. but now? actually. i think i do know the reason. but spare less the humiliation. i shall keep mum.
even though ms lee dismissed the class at usual time today, the exam girls were held behind and sent to ms kok's class for more practices on the Dance. sad. that is why now i cant even go down the stairs properly with my slippers on. the dead skin is exposing my bare flesh. how undoubtedly wonderful. you think i love it? you have to be nuts. way nuts. insane. totally mental. blame my low threshold for pain. i refuse to put on my bottle of substance which contains 95% of menthylated spirit. how useless.
it was during the practice with ms kok that made me think of how different we were from her students. her students get to rest whenever they liked. used their phones whenever they liked. got to talk at the top of their voice over the music playing from the piano. and even spoke to ms kok as tho they were friends. i cant see us being in this kind of relationship with ms lee. the fear is becoming stronger. maybe the others could end up like that. but definitely not me. truth be told. i do think of her with pride. she is a very good ballet teacher. but she doesnt exactly rocks. esp to what she did to us on saturday. dancing in front of ms kok. even though it's still the same studio i've been in for 8 years and the floor my feet has caressed and blistered for 8 years, the sensation was ever so different. unexplainable. i'm not really making much sense am i? that ballet studio had changed. it wasnt the one i knew for the long years. it had become backstage. where all dancers practise before going on stage. for a performance. why it felt so different? i have no idea. but the feeling was thrilling. i felt so ever liberated when ms lee went back to tend to my sister's class. i wasnt under any pressure. i could joke. laugh. smile. but not when i see her face. the past will just keep haunting me. that saturday dated 2o.o8.2oo5.
okayy let's go back to being paranoid.
the shunning has begun. the curse has started to take place. less than 2 weeks to the majors. i already am starting to feel we're drifting apart. ho. i know what you're thinking. i'm being paranoid again. yes u are right. or maybe i am right. dare you not say so?
i barely spoke a word to you. why i was so pissed today? no idea. the look on ur face. maybe it's because it reminded of what happened on saturday. that boiling guilt. that pain in the ass. that lump in my conscience. i can hardly not think of it. have you not noticed it's much easier to communicate without seeing each other face to face since that fateful day? oh maybe it's just me. but as you have quoted me " it takes 2 hands to clap ". so dare you deny that you don't have that slightest inkling of this suspiscion too?
just that look of your face. it reminds me ever so clearly of what had happened on saturday. oh fine. i'm sorry to dig it up again. but i have to say what i feel or this friendship will be sabotaged... if i keep this to myself. i cant hold it any longer. i dono. maybe u're showing attitude or smthn. or maybe it's me that you think that makes u avoid me. or maybe i'm seriously thinking too much. but i dun want to keep myself bottled up. it's a horrible feeling. i'm not really getting accustomed to it either. i may as well revert to my vociferous self.
i know you're going to kill me or smthn with for riting this blog post. well, before you do that. stop. and think about it. i'm saying this again, dare you say it isnt true? i have already told you beforehand. you can kill me if you have too. i like seeing your words better than hearing you and seeing you speak. weird i am u say? i know.
siigh. back to indulging in melancholy and burying the self esteem. should i or should i not revert back to what i was and who i was? it seemed so much of a masquerade. but you would have noticed that i was less paranoid. maybe not you. but nadine would know. ruici and jia ying would too. i was never this horrible. u reading my first few months' blogposts could tell so too. but this has gone too far. even the teachers are having problems with me. it's another side of me. the darker and less cheerful type. i've lost that cheerful disposition that i once owned. i'm left with this cold and dark core that's sucking me deeper with every paranoid thought i have.
what's happening to me?
why is this happening to me?
and
what does it have to do with you?
i think too much.
leave me be.
just let me sit and rot here with every passing day.
will you?

YAYY. finally. a new template. yes.. it's emily the strange still.. but it's her cats. lols. RED AND BLACK. so cool ((: hahs. oh back to sch again today. blearghs. maths is swapped with history lesson permanantly. siigh. no more SLEEPING! hahs.
lols i added a midi to the blogskin.
hmm. i dono wat to type liao. i'm getting dizzy again. for some apparent reason?! blearghs. maybe it's the prolonged use of the computer.
guess what. for literatue, we're supposed to finish close-reading till chap 20 liao. and i'm at like chap FOUR only. hahs. seriously lagging. fortunately thr's no common tests tmr or i'll be dying. and thr's no CCA tis week. HO. tis ROCKS. gahs.
piano resumes at the end of the week. stuck with theory. oh great. -note the sarcasm
oh yes. deborah wants me to rite a testi for her. lols. fine. i'm going off now.
bye

P.S. RED AND BLACK! lols.

siigh. the tumultuous amount of guilt boiling in me. i was kinda reluctant to go for ballet today. i didnt want to see her face. actually i just wanted to stay at home and read the Phantom of the Opera novel. it captured me so deeply yesterday. blearghs, i fell asleep thinking about it. woke up thinking about it. ate thinking about it. playing the piano thinking about it. used the computer thinking about it. well it's sorta eased off after class. the burden seems to be much lighter now. maybe indeed i've been thinking too much. paranoia. that cursed disease.
aniwaes. we did about more than an hour of pointe work. bloody piece of shit. i don't know what happened to my the other toepad so i had to use ying zhi's. but stillm i ended up with blisters! gahs. the last 2 toes on each side of my foot. and note to self: there's gym tmr. argh.
blearghs. i cant stand it when ppl bump into me. especially poking my back. i feel so ANNOYED. i've been prodded many times by deborah's legs today. bloody idiot. damn irritating larhs. and she din even bother to say sorry?! fuck you. gahs. alisha went to ying zhi's house and has gone offline mysteriously. how interesting. henceforth, i shall commence with this totally boring-you-out blog post.
oh my headache has gone. tho the floaty feeling's still here. giddyness hurh. not as bad as ytd tho.
siigh, i think i badly need a new blogskin even though i lyk this a lot. go take a look at the blogskin i have in mind. it's, most importantly, RED and BLACK ((: hehs. hm. i've got alisha to help me find the song Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson. i've long awaited for that track. i think it's kinda old but it wouldn't hurt to have it right? besides, it ROCKS. as in seriously ROCK. heavy metal. i'm not a great fan of it or smthn but this is really catchy and it's got great background music. yeahh MM looks weird. he and his vampy look. but the track is seriously GOOD. okayy, good is a bit too vague don't you think. then let's put it as simply rocking ((: hahs.
you know what. it's maybe just me paranoid. but i think -SOMEONE- is being thoroughly insensitive. HELLO?! i've got lyk so much going on in my life in one week and how do you expect me to handle those stuff when i was absent on thursday? bloody hell. dun lyk it then too bad lorh. stop trying to act cool and act cute at the same tym on ur MSN nics. bloody annoying. it's simply pisses me off. and stop assuming some people are freeloaders. they have more than what you have to handle so just shut your damn mouth up. you shouldnt even be complaining.
HOHO. am i against the whole world or smthn? oh yes. you know what? for my coming Literature assignment i'm partnering Jeannette. goodness. her subjects are lyk all so pro-ded. i'm going to drown in her vocabulary most likely. but i'm very pleased with the plot of the story we came up with. but i do think it's going to be quite long. how horrid. the max page limit is 2 only?!?! it's simply IMPOSSIBLE!! okay i'm exaggerating. but 2 pages?! we'll have to cut a lot of stuff!! gahs.
i'm so sad :( i left the book Stargirl in school. gahs. i want to finish it. tho i must admit the first few pages had bored me out. but the content of the story is simply wonderful. it's not those kind of cliched adolescent stories you find in Mary-Kate and Ashley and those girly books. gahs. those stories drives me nuts. talk about love when u're 13. that's undeniably SICK. oh maybe i'm starting to like reading novels. how retarded can i get. but i dun read love novels. those drive me nuts too. just cant decipher those sweet nothings in the stories. hahs. okayy reading too much promotes more paranoia. that theory totally didnt make sense to you but it does to me.
siigh. i still cant find the 2nd side of my toepad. am i so so ever DEAD or what. i'm still in the search of the CDs!! haha. i havent been able to go to the CD shops recently. how saddening.
siigh i NEED A NEW BLOGSKIN! no no i lyk tis a lot. but everyone should welcome changes. gahs. and my brain's getting rusty so i need something to keep it activated before it tunes out anymore. hm come to think of it. my piano needs tuning too. BLEARGH. mr ho's stuffing me with theory work now. i dun even think i can remember those italian terms hehs.
oh it's 10 more days. 10 more days to teacher's day. i'm still waiting to be informed about when the mid-autumn celebration is on!! gahs. another long awaited reunion back at tns. hehs.

bloody hell when will ppl stop assuming stuff? blearghs.
siigh. i'm not feeling okay. mentally and physically. my headache is making me DIZZY. blearghs. i cant keep focused on one thing. the whole computer screen seems to twirling round and round. okayy.. not TWIRL to THAT extent. but yeahh u knw wat i mean. my head's spinning.
okayy FINE. i got scolded by ms lee today. SCOLD THEN SCOLD LORH. i've got nothing to say. i DID THAT and i'm NOT DENYING IT. but bloody hell. is keeping ur face straight called sulking? dun malign me.
okayy. guess what. i seriously have no idea what hw i hv for the weekends. i feel so EMPTY without common tests. weird it sounds? blah. i knw it does. but it's kinda weird tt we dun hv common tests nxt week even tho thr's sch. lols.
i lyk pointe work. blearghs. i dono why i'm saying this but i like it. dun care those blisters, bunions and whatever. i lyk it and that's IT.
bloody hell. i cant keep my mind off it. it keeps coming back. but i refuse to write in detail about it. blah. i'm talking to myself? lols.
being drawn in circles. my head is really killing me. the torture. ARGH. let's try coming up wit MSN nics...

1. that dead lil girl with a bloodied smile
2. come my friends, let's play a game of hide-and-seek in the graveyards
3. crashing the cemetery gates
4. the devillish pair of eyes, it's following her...
5. the tear-stained face with a trickle of blood.
6. splintering glass shards stained
7. cyanide served in the martini glass
8. transparent and unnoticed

okay it IS getting a bit suicidal. let's snap out of it. but wat can i talk about? i'm feeling horrible but i have no intention of typing about wtv tt happened today... cos i dun want to rmb it. i cant be bothered.
okayy let's get on the topic of assumptions. assuming something is one of many people's negative traits. siigh. they assume, and conclude and believe. those bloody lil liars. damnit. get your facts right before you even jump at a conclusion. goodness. siigh. i cant get in depth with this either. SAD. sigh.

i'm bck frm sch. still cant get ovr ytd's horror. aniwaes. i went for ballet as usual. after barre and a few centre exercises i had to stop dancing. the throbbing in my head... so rhythmic yet so horrendous. i had teared again. was it for fear of stress and fear itself or the headache? i hope it was the latter. i didnt want to break again. wat's happening to me? turning as fragile as glass. i break easily. shatter into many pieces. so hard to put myself back together. the morale, everything has gone to right to the bottom...
blearghs. a whole lot of things went into my mind ytd while i sat under tt barre in the dance studio at crestar. the pianist - so horribly done yet so expressive. i was so lost in my thoughts that when i finished stoning they were already doing 2 exercises after where i had drifted off. so much i had thought about. rethinking why i even did ballet. why piano? why continue? those questions had been stuffed into my head by my mother but i had never really thought of why. everything has changed so much that i cant even sit down and remember what i felt about ballet last time. that scent, that emotion, that memory. it seems to have been buried under so many years of other superficial things. the amazement of pointe shoes isnt that great now. it seems like they're losing their novelty. no, i still lyk my pointe shoes. but the feeling's different. i used to be so amazed by them. yet now? those seniors which i had last time since young have now become really much older. they're lyk already in JC and everything. time passes so quickly. maybe it's just me taking things for granted or something. the negative traits of humans. reading the book Stargirl has reminded me of so many things that we miss out on. how amazingly superficial the whole world has become. has anyone truly done something just bcos his/her heart goes out for another person instead of just some form of reward? CIP is so not the word. people only volunteer not because they want to help, it's because they want the CIP hours for O Levels. how amazingly sly this whole sphere has become.
wat about me? i'm neither here nor there. not with this clique nor that. i cant hang around somebody and be stuck with it. i'll slip through your fingers the tighter you hold. i'm that blob in everyones' hands and they're groping so hard that i've got no space for myself. i squeeze between their fingers and escape. the more i run away, the stronger it draws me near. i'm losing myself. it's not what i was. it's who i am. people are always hiding behind masks. they do have a good reason for that. but if everyone drops their masquerade, exposed souls and a little less lies would exist. wat it seems now is that technology and materialism has almost completely superseded the human morale. this world has now become nothing more than a mere shell for us to hide in. oh maybe some people are just alter-egoed. then again, no one really knows. some people are just thoroughly insensitive. that perennial problem of theirs. it just drives me nutters to see that. perforated, i will slip off and slither off somewhere i'm comfortable at. not the house, much less the dance studio. in my sleep. i'm getting tired. siigh.

alrite. pon sch wasnt a great option. my piano exam was SCREWED UP. gahs. fine it's ovr. i shall shuddup. after tt went to tampines mall for lunch larhs. i walked into the Wallet Shop after lunch.. a sudden realisation came over me. i need a new pencil case. mine's been stained with red ink and the whole pencil case is lyk... ALKALI. hahs. my red litmus strip turned blue after being in my pencil case for lyk only 3 days.
siigh. later on still got ballet. u knw wat? i think the examiner was kinda nice. at least he wasnt one of those kind who stares at you without smiling or saying anything but the exam stuff. well actually, i havent met one like that before. blearghs. i got to practise before entering the exam la. but my scales still SUCKED. my sight-reading to me was CONSIDERABLY okay. watever la. i even stumbled on my pieces.
aiyah 'sha. stop it. please. STOP IT. sickening la. it's just a maths paper. i did worse for chinese. so it's lyk been there, done that. let go of that stapler and just get out of it. come on. u're lyk hypocritical. u tell me not to do it. and in the end? u sms me and say u wanna die. HARLOWE!? dun die out on me la. the vultures will tear my meat apart and drink my blood or smthn. goodness. our blog is lyk damn empty. dun waste ur time on the stapler and spend it more on the blog. dun care if u're wordy or not. JUST DO IT. okayy " IT " din mean the wrong way nor the stapler. snap out of it.

those squealing bitches. you all sound like pigs in the slaughter house. that's INCLUDING my sister. bloody idiots. my ears are lyk chronically damaged or something.
maybe i'm too affected by my The Used cd or it could be i watched too many Happy Tree Friends clips just now or smthn.
i duno what the hell i'm doing. piano exam TMR only. my scales SUCKED. yarh my piano tchr said so. sight reading? beyond hope. wat's good is tt there's no common tests next week. i wonder why? but i shldnt be complaining right? siigh skipping school tmr and there's zi du kao cha again on friday. i must study. no matter what. blacklisted already. i'll have to salvage my ownself. no one can do it. but me. i would rather not. but why sink yourself in this kind of paradox. you have yourself to blame.

holding the blade in her hands. press it against his skin. the balde cuts into him. the rush of adrenaline. the trickling of warm blood. it flows from him.. to the blades... and down her hands. why is she laughing? why is she crying. why is she screaming even though it is him being cut? has he stopped breathing? the last fall of his chest. he lays immobile in her chair. it's raining. she laughs and crys while she digs his grave. the rain falls heavily on to her face. wetting her hair, drenching her clothes. the cold. the darkness. the loneliness. and she's still laughing? she pulls him by his right hand and kicks him into the hole. she buried him with a tuft of dandelions on top. the rain got heavier. she was already drenched throughout her clothes. the torn t-shirt and the bloodied jeans. she positioned herself right on top of the freshly dug earth. facing the heavens with her eyes closed... recollecting the memories they had together...

harloooooww..
lols i'm in sch now typing tis in the sch comp lab 4. blearghs yar i knw i'm gonna get KILLED if anyteachers find out wat i'm doing but then again, MY WHOLE CLASS is in the comp lab fooling around too... well MOST of them. gahs.
my head still hurts. bloody shit. panadol doesnt help. it only makes me EVEN MORE drowsier. siigh. supposed to do this english advert proj but hardly anyone is doing it now. everyone's abusing their rights on the computer. hahs.
siigh. i dont' know what to do now. there's no one online. not even nadine.
you know what? all of a sudden i have an urge to buy new CDs. hahs. well actually i had tt feeling since last week... but jus din knw which album i shld get. hahs. even tho beyonce's album's lyk kinda old i still want it. i'm crazy over the song Me, Myself and I. actually all her songs i think are kinda okayy... but the videos? THAT'S another thing. blearghs.
goodness. the comp lab is lyk somekind of playground now. ppl screaming. gahs.
oh. getting paranoid. bleaghs. oh stay off it leong yi ting. u're in SCHOOL now. gahs. maybe i'll continue blogging l8r when i get home or maybe not?
siigh. piano exam's tmr and i've got an extra class later. siigh. my scales are HORRID. well... not as horrid as my sight-reading. bloody SHIT.
it's three weeks to the majors exams. eh pls la alisha. stop IT. dun ever, ever, ever do tt again. gosh. mine is not even THAT prominent and u're already making a big fuss abt it. i dun getting ur hands bloody and all but not YOURS okayy? siigh. i'm getting that sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach again... aiyoh.
blah. have i gone totally soft or something? okayy maybe i DO think too much. but wait. i AM paranoid. so... yar. siigh. 3 weeks. yes i know.. i'm rubbing it in again... well yea... who wldnt be? 3 weeks you know. it's a DAMN short time.
as u have seen for urself ytd.. sarah's wu yao ke jiu le... the world is changing. siigh. even ying zhi's slacking off classes. still freaked abt the bus trip ytd? hahs. wat wld u do if u saw betris laiddt one day? not totally impossible dun u think?
i'm getting depressed once again. siigh. i'm getting pissed at all the screaming in my class. it's seriously IRRITATING and ANNOYING. wait. dont those 2 words mean the same thing? gahs. i shall enjoy myself by thinking abt sadistic stuff. gahs.
btw. why the hell is my blogpost so COLOURFUL today? it's making me dizzy. blearghs.
bye.

oh great i've got a headache and i'm online. my eyes are very dry. blinking or temporarily closing them makes them tear... no i'm not breaking down. it's just DRY.
ya larhs. fuck up my life. i am BLACKLISTED. you think i like it a lot? no i dun take drugs or anything. but teachers are complaining. piano tchrs and ballet tchrs are involved with my academic lives. bloody piece of shit. NTS: never have teachers for outside activities who know any of your school teachers.
it's really stupid. life is so horrid now. i miss being in p6. when i wasnt so SLACK. gahs maybe i WAS. but why are the effects acting on me now? 'cos you're in one SY now?! bloody shitty life. my headache's killing me. i even had to stop dancing. blearghs. piano exam in 2 days. i'm STRESSED. i promise, i'll not break down. but then again, it mite end up being an empty promise. i'll try my best... gahs.
stupid la. mrs f talked to ms lee, ms lee talked to my mother. now i'm dying. DYING I SAY. why on earth am i even like this? I DON'T KNOW. i'm in a paradox. i'm NOT liking this. why am i online in the first place?!

gahs i'm listening to midi again. i still cant think of wat music to put on here. hahs. it's getting a bit quiet dun u tink? siigh. i've sunk back to paranoia again. i cant even imagine wat i did during science today. those lines from my broked glass cover. what on earth was i thinking? i don't know. i might be falling sick. was wearing my jacket the whole day. no, it's not bcos i wanna cover it up, but i seriously felt cold... again... NO. i dun want to be psychotic. not fun to see yourself bleed. not that i'd mind. but it looks nicer when u see someone else bleed because of you.
i cant stand myself anymore. the intense pressure. everyone in class is lyk " OMG... i'm gonna fail 'this'..." i'm gonna fail 'that'..." OH COME ON. you people are lyk all BRAINS. bloody hell. if u say tt u're gonna fail tis, fail tt. that wat the hell is going to happen of me? u ppl CAN afford to be pessimistic, but not me. cos once i am, i lose faith in myself. and i WOULD end up failing. some kind of INFLUENCE u people are..
i cant stand some people. hypocritical. they seem so nice in front of you and behind you they roll their eyes at you and screaming swear words at you in their sub-consciously. oh I'M SORRY - note the sarcasm. i was talking about myself. yar i AM hypocitical and i'm NOT denying that. EVERYONE is. that is ALSO a fact. those killing, burning hatred behind those fake and totally INSINCERE smiles. those killing jars i wanna make you stare at. maybe the mirror will do, but it's kinda superficial since you people use your head without your heart to think and lead the way with your nose not your conscience. bloody effers. drvies me nuts. NO. now i'm not talking about myself. maybe i AM that way but then again i WOULDNT notice. this has been egging on the edge of my mind.
no i'm NOT going to breakdown again. I DONT WANT TO AGAIN. i almost did ytd. for living in the perpetual fear of my ballet tchr. doesnt make sense? yes i know. cos most lykly paranoia has gotten me to make my life complicated again. yes i have a cynical attitude. i don't know why but i dun really lyk it either. change u say? i've tried. year after year. it never works. oh the pulsating beats of throbbing... this headaches are becoming ever so frequent nowadays.
hm but why stop here? i always have a lot to complain. FOR HEAVENS' SAKES. i AM an ARIES. we complain a lot thank you very much.
well it's exactly one year ago i was so hoping not ever to get into a girls' school. but now. hahs. where did i end up? IN A GIRLS' SCHOOL. well yar... it's not as bad as i expected tho. gahs. maybe cos it's SCGS that's why. well it's going to be 8 months already and i've already succeeded in my endeavour to survive in a girls' sch. okayy i'm getting too deep within me. i'm NOT going to bare my soul on the INTERNET. gosh. i need TRANQUILLISERS. i'm turning insane. maybe that's why i'm having these weird headaches at the wrong times. yar some people have been tainted by their contact with me. hahs. i dono what the hell. i thought i have left the nightmare in p4. it seems lyk it's all coming back to me once again. maybe was just the climax.
why is life lyk tis in the first place. oh i dun want another harangue on courtesy and filial piety. IT'S ALL HYPOCRITISM. some people suck up to you cos they want to SUCK ur $. bloody blind people get when they don't use their hearts to feel. now WHO'S TAKLING ABOUT BEING INHUMANE. gosh. i think i can extend the line of my self-conscience better than SOME people. goodness. and talk about HYPOCRITISM when u are EXACTLY wat it is. no, i'm NOT talking about myself.
why THOSE people. what they claim as friendships. they're all masquerades. why cant they all just take down those masks and just show who they are? cos the pressures of this century is making them that way. well i guess i have to agree. cos that's all what we are doing isnt it? acts, stories, lies. wat they claim to be true. all LIES. pulchritudinous lies. what the hell is to make the world a better place? well i tell u wat. annhilate ALL TRACES OF HUMAN RACES. THAT WILL DO. goodness.
siigh i'm still complaining? no i shall stop. i still have 11chapters of close-reading to do for tmr's literature test. i'm not denying that i want to slack. i dun really have a choice but to WORK. but i'm a NATURAL procrastinator, so i will " DO THEM LATER". arh. the famous procrastinators' line. siigh i still have my history workbook to do. BLOODY PIECE OF SHIT. siigh.

gahs. i'm bored. i'm dead la. ms lee said tt mrs f talked to her. fuck la. it's either she gonna lecture or mrs f gonna kill me on monday or smthn. blearghs. mrs f's stomach so big now. hahs. she's going into labour soon aniwaes. hell larhs. life is weird, horrid, i dono wat else. how depressing. blearghs jus now online, alisha and i copied the same paragraph off a blogspot at the same time and both of us responded exactly the same at the same time. so totally freaking weird.
aniwaes, we're taking sarah off the list of 'tardds. siigh, i dono wat's happening. first it's nadine now sarah. nadine seems so.. [how on earth do u put tis?!] girly. YAR she's a girl but tt doesnt mean she has to act tis way cos she wasnt laiddt last year. she's lyk even tinking of getting denim skirts to WEAR. gosh. maybe it IS peer pressure in australia or smthn. but then again. it's really shocking to think of it. and if no one has noticed, she's been taking a lot of self-portraits and posting them on the internet lyk her blog and friendster photos. what the hell IS HAPPENING?! and not forgetting ruici. gahs. she's lyk changed so much after being in RGS. smart ass la go rgs. RAFFLES... siigh. last tuesday, did i forget to mention that she wore a SKIRT?! a BLOODY EFFING RED SKIRT?! wtf. her convos on MSN are kinda freaky too. the songs she quotes. all of them. in love or not. they've all something to do with relationships. yeahh i gotta admit those songs do sound nice. but come on... quote a less MUSHY phrase of that song leh pls. all of you are freaking me out. esp SARAH. yeahh i knw i din really knw her tt long. but long enuf just to knw wat kind of person she is. to tink i was so proud to hv a fellow taonan-nite under ms lee. she seemed so retarded and harmless when i spoke to her in tns b4 her gym practice the other time. i still rmb tt she was holding her character skirt. how interesting... how fast time passes. the other when the whole group of 'tardds went to parkway, she just suddenly CHANGED. well ying zhi says tt she changed upon touching the perfume at the Body Shop. as ilogical as it sounds, you've gotta admit that we only noticed how different she was after that. she even put on lip-gloss?! worse still, she cldnt even put it PROPERLY. probably we were to cant-be-bothered to notice in the first place. but now? there's no denying. she's been skipping classes to go out watching movies, and hanging out with some other people. no more retarded laughter. she does that bitchyfied giggle now. how fast people can actually change... her fascination over the shopping spree and everything. being bitchyfied faster than wat we've expected. and it seem such a short time ago... lyk in 2 mths ago... alisha, ying zhi, sarah and i were wondering 2 yrs into the future how different we wld all be and most likely sarah cos she'll be in USA for a few yrs liao by then. how short her skirts and the amount of make-up she was going to put and everything while alisha and i were staying put with t-shirts and shorts. wondering wat she is going to do with her 7 years of ballet education. wat on earth she was going to be living lyk and her social circle. IN 2 YEARS WE THOUGHT. it's barely 2 mths and look wat's happening to her already. that's TOTALLY HORRID. oh guess wat. her knitting. i guess that shld have been a telltale sign. why on earth do this things keep happening?
actually... come to think of it. i dun really know wat's happened to me. greg keeps saying i've changed. well "changed" in wat sense? oh come on greg the last tym you met me or even TALKED to me was lyk in P4 and it's lyk 3 YEARS AGO?! gosh. i dono. hv i bcum more sadistic? or cheerful? or boisterous? or annoying or wtv? i wldnt knw. but i am sure of one thing. i lyk the way i am NOW. well about then and all the previous years? i dont know how i had been all those weird foolish experiences of backstabbing and betrayal. yes, i'm actually implying this CERTAIN person. i ALMOST went into the same sch as her. and alisha ALMOST got into the same sch as her if she din opt out of tkss. not very fond memories. not classified as nostalgia. but as weird as this sounds. i kinda miss how you used to FUCK UP MY LIFE and left it in a total mess. but that was when i found out how bitchy to an extent girls could truly be. hahs. i'm lyk indirectly insulting myself even cos i AM a girl after all. as cheng gong says... " there's a bitch in everyone" yeahh that i notice. even in guys *winks at alisha*.
no it's not that i'm depressed or anything. it's just that i seriously cant stand knowing that one of my 'tardds is turning to the bitchy side. and guess wat. it just seems lyk the 5 yrs of mutual hatred between bubbletea and me seems to have disappeared. unorthodox situation. she acutally even bothered speaking to me today. last tym? the moment our eyes met that split second could spill all hatred, angst, disgust we felt. i don't know why this is happening. 13 years into my life and even till now, i don't want to believe that the only constant thing in life is change itself. you can say i'm stubborn or anything, but isnt this wat everyone wants? everything to keep constant? if life hadnt changed, i wldnt hv met those bloody bitches and greg mite not hv left tns. priscilla, yu ting, jill, zi wei and i may not have gotten in trouble with the DM. ruici wldnt hv turned all bitchy and stuff. jia ying's toffie wldnt have died. nadine wldnt have migrated. and i wldnt have met alisha, sarah and the whole gang, so that i cld have been spared from all this misery. and maybe prissy wldnt even have got pissed at me with that totally immature and stupid joke i played on her. well she seems to be not bothered by it anymore.
no alisha if u're wondering, i'm not feeling okay. i havent been. it's all an act. i don't know wat's happening to me. hypocritical i sound? well ask yourself. isnt that what all mortals do? i'm not an exception.
so can someone kindly tell me what is happening to me? i have not the slightest idea wat i feel, wat i'm doing. the sense of belonging is gone once again. i'm sinking bck to paranoia. why issit that i cant last being cheerful and everything?!

morning was an hr long piano lesson. all the talk about cadences, scales, and modulation has gotten me all confused. yet i'm still intrigued. weird arent i? oh the wonder of why i even started piano and why i even continued. i lyk it. but why continue when you know you wun be taking it as a profession?
after piano was already so late. i shall not swear in the post today. arhs. i'm feeling weird today. STML relapse. i forgot wat i did in ballet. oh wells. after ballet we got bck our certs. aiyah... the long awaited certificates. i tot she was only going to gif 'em out after the major exams... siigh.
went off to sonata after tt. damn tt sonata lady. pisses me off whenever i see her. freaking blurr and slow. maybe it's jus be getting impatient but who then again... she provoked it. siigh. new leotard, new thights, new pointe shoes, new flat shoes. gahs. i wonder how much they wld all sum up to.
u knw wat? nad's b'dae is coming up soon. i'll hv to send her a letter. gahs u knw wat. wat rote inside my letter for my b'dae? it isnt going to come true mann. i've had enuf liao. okayy... counting down the birthdays... 28th - my brother whom i dun tink is going to get any present frm me cos he'll be in brunei aniwaes...
now onto september. the 2nd - nadine. gahs. i need to do ur card soon and I NEED STAMPS!!! bleargh. i wonder how much the postage costs. blearghs dun wanna go on. my father's shooing me off the computer. going out for dinner. blahs. i'd rather starve.

gosh. ytd's carnival was HORRID. horrid to the extent of dying from it. it had rained b4 the carnival. so the whole place was lyk wet. gahs. chinese and lit test nxt week. dammit la... supposed to do close reading till chap 13 and where am i? not even chap 4. bloody literature book. why the hell do ppl do literature in the first place. what the hell does assonance, alliteration and all these effing shit got to do wit us?!
blearghs. sheesh. i'm failing my history soon. miss quek cant teach. her voice is so irksome.
I'M GOING MAD. in the first place. these rush of emotions. i dunno wat the hell i'm feeling. one moment i feel suicidal. anthr i feel depressed. anthr i feel irritated and annoyed. anthr i get all hyped. anthr i jus keep blabbering and hv no idea wat i'm saying.
i'm missing my the used CD. gahs damn u jia hui. going to be 2 weeks liao. I WANT MY CD. gahs. see i'm blabbering again. oh i know why. i wrote too much in the bus jus now on the way home. gahs. i shld hv knwn it was a bad idea to bring it along.
blah. ms lee's class was quite okay la ytd. i've moved from oblivion to humiliation. okayy actually it's just the 'tardds' inside joke for humiliation. see i'm still blabbering. gahs, wtv... i've no idea wat the hell i'm doing online. lols. there's nthn much for me to say online. i'm sleepy. bleargh.
bloody hell... i'm blabbering still...

gahs. 2nd day of the ND hols. damn boring larhs duh. nthn to do went to the aiport lols?! gahs. the last tym i went to the airport was lyk... at the end of p5 and not a very fond memory mind you... reminds me of wat happend on my trip frm perth bck to sg. BLEAGRH. puke puke. yesh yesh alisha. STOP LARFING. i knw wat u're tinking of =.='''
gahs. i cant blif i used to go thr during my kindergarten hols. haha. i cant really rmb wat happened then other than greg being bullied by me cos we were frm the same grp in class. haha. poor guy... i finally found out why he transferered. no worries greg. i helped u kick his ass in p4... be THANKFUL to me. gahs - ego -. okayy la. i'm quite HIGH now cos i'm being forced my my sadistic 'tardd to rite a new blogpost. BLEARGH YOU.
i dun feel lyk doing my art work. bleargh. scolded then scolded lorh. i cant be BOTHERED. gahs. at most i'll scream " FUCK YOU" behind the tchr's bck but hey wtv... i'm trying my best not to be depressed. but when i'm not depressed, i can nvr be able to rite a long post. so there.


SHOO!!!!

the day has come! finally!!! got to smuggle alisha into tns. many ppl noticed tho... but WHO CARES!? mr ho came late for lesson... as usual. =.=''' but the ND cel in sch ended 0.5hrs earlier than expected. hahs. after ruici, jia ying, alisha and i met at tns we headed for suntec lols. alisha wore her contact lenses in tns toilet LOLS. lols we watched charlie and the chocolate factory. damn farnie lols. alisha and i were larfing mad inside hahs. after the show, ruici n i kept singing the WILLY WONKA WILLY WONKA melody and annoyed alisha and jia ying haha. gahs. those 3 are lyk at the same height. haha. oh gosh. YOU KNOW WAT? i tink alisha looks DAMN WEIRD in contact lenses. hahs. i tink she looks beta wit glasses lols. doesnt make sense does it? arh... after tt we went to mini-toons to buy SWEETS lols. i bought a whole lot of chocolates and ruici bought this whole lot of sweets that i really hate. she couldnt take the taste anymore so she gave it to me and asked me to give it to my sis. hahs. not a bad suggestion. i still can rmb tt one of the sweets were lyk BANANA flavoured!!! bleargh. willy wonka was so SADISTIC. tt's why alisha and i enjoyed it so much. SO COOL lols.
they came ovr to my hse after the movie... played a bit of Marion Raven... MCR and the piano haha. alisha and i are getting really weird-ded. we keep thinking the same stuff. say the same stuff at the same time and still do finish each other's sentences. siigh. freaking me out. but yet she calls it cool =.='''
GUESS WAT. kelly accepted my testimonial. LOLS. she even returned one. haha. one that explained HYPER-EXTENSION. gahs she calls it straighter than straight. in the first place, that DOES NOT make sense!! and the opposite of bent - isnt tt straight too?! bleargh.
tmr's ND... but i still need to go ovr to jun yan's hse to do the geog proj. how saddening. BAH. crappers... not forgetting i've got homework. FINE. i shall stay online till unimaginable times tonite... if i can stay awake that is... hopefully?


" whip cream is not whip cream if it is not whipped with a whip! "- Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

laladeedum~...

okayy... kinda hyper todayy la. lols. but i'm kinda sad ovr not being able to go to the concert on the 1st of Sep... but hu CARES?! aniwaes... went for ballet as usual todayy. ms lee and many othr seniors werent here. kelly, germ, tis girl frm germ's class but i dono how to spell her name, and natalie took us. hmph. kelly you horrible pok. stop picking on me. hahs. my feet are NOT freaky. natalie's ones are even FREAKIER. lols. and my back? I DUN GET WAT U MEAN BY FLAT. wat's so disgusting about being able to catch my claves without feeling pain?! seriously. IT'S NOT PAINFUL. siigh. lols. talk abt freaky. YOU AND YOUR 20 OVER FOUETTE TURNS!!!! en pointe some more. so pro-ded. lols. our natalie is NOT retarded. she's damn farnie. wun mind bcuming like like her. and her feet oso lols. oh yes. i still dun get wat u mean by my legs being HYPER-EXTENDED. gahs. the funniest part of class was towards the end... hahs VULTURES. alisha and i broke out LARFING SO HARD. omgosh. and you know wat?! we are like so alike. in the most outrageous ways. we think alike. we finish each other's sentences when they're hung in mid-air. lols. and maybe it's jus me being paranoid but it seems tt i can tell how she feels. or maybe ANYONE can do that. but still. it's DAMN farnie.
CANT WAIT FOR TOMORROW! gahs. i'm thinking of smuggling alisha into tns. lols it's cos bt's going bck to tns, or so he says... and alisha wants to disturbb him lols. u'd be doing me a great fav alisha. hahs. but most likely i'll be late... hell to my piano scales. i'm getting worse as much as i practise. i wonder where we're going...

HURH?!

someone tell me.
what's happening to the world?
alisha and her emotional breakdown.
how she reminded me of myself 3 weeks ago.
and me?
i have been doing scars.
one of which inflicted on alisha's arm.
why?
how did that happen?
oh yes she wanted to see wat happens.
well i dun have the scars.
they just swell.
low threshold for pain.
i'm psychopath, not psychotic.
inflict pain on others.
not myself.
i hope her parents allow her to go out nxt monday.
wit ruici, jy and i.
after the NDP cel.
havent really decided where to go...
but we're meeting at parkway.
i cant wait.
but what if it's a hoax?
wat if her parents said no?
then she wun be able to go wit us.
the "what if" list goes on.
i'm always worrying.
about things that THEY say will nvr happen.
what do THEY know?
maybe it's plain me and the unfortunate aqcuaintance with paranoia.

"omg yi ting... are you suffering fom depression or something?! you seem so... ?"

tt all started when jeannette was talking about some one accidentally got cut by a penknife or smthn.... i jus asked which part was cut.... and this question was thrown at me in subconciousness. then i thought... do i seem that depressed?! oh come on...
siigh... so few people going to the farewell tonite.. i might as well skip it. hahs. am i being mean? gahs. i'm so sorry mann...
okayy... my life's falling apart. there's a whole ton of homework waiting for me to be done... siigh. i'm feeling damn slack now la... not fogetting kinda sick. slight headache lors.. maybe it's due to ytd sleeping at 2.45a.m. but imagine me freezing in a ballet class. sounds impossible? you're wrong. for some reason i felt tt it was damn cold in class ytd. gosh. eunice and alisha tot i was sick. gahs. hu knws? maybe they're right or smthn... hahs. maybe it's the sweets i bought? who knows?
GOSH. i seriously cant wait for next monday. siigh. but what if i FALL SICK?! gosh. and i'm still wondering if i shld go out on wednesday with chi ying and elaine... firstly, i sian. secondly, got homework. thirdly, parents may not allow cos i'm already going out on monday. fourth, i'll be BROKE by the end of the week la.. aiyoh...

yo. ruici u gotta read this. gahs. call me as soon as possible kaes? mr ho's making me spend 15mins on my 3rd piano piece before i go meet u all in tns. no worries. i'm making him fetch me to tns XD. okayys. aniwaes, the p6 captain's ball match is held at the MPCC multi-purpose court leh... go tns oso useless... then the p5 girl's one at sch parade sq... then the guys' ones are all outside sch. gosh if u wanna meet ur junior u hv to check where he's going la. YOU HAVE TO CALL ME.
and to the DOLPHIN team. we rock! captain's ball MUST WIN. soccer and bball oso okay? esp the p6s. MUST TRASH MARLIN. holy crapp. DON'T FORGET WE ROCK! ruici and i hv veri high hopes on y'all leh... ex taonannite dolphins haha. so sad last yr dolphins lost to the marlins by only ONE POINT?! gosh.

P.S. RUICI! CALL ME HORH!!!

let's start off with the happy stuff. firstly, is that I PASSED MY HCL FOR CA2. haha. i shall sound kiasu for once and yearn to get at least a b4 by the end of the year. come to think of it... it might be kinda impossible. recharged with faith, i shall be nice to myself and say I CAN AND I WILL. secondly, there's no common test next week cos of national day hols. GREAT. but i tink thr mite be a need to go to jun yan's hse to do the geog proj. all of a sudden i feel less stressed.
can i cry? no. i force the tears back. wat used to be a strong front i carry has now begun to soften. i'm losing my confidence, the will to go on with life undaunted. i cant be bothered to argue with people. i'm losing my fighting spirit. to fight for wat's right and what's wrong. i've been ignored. i cant be bothered with her mood swings any more. i shall be oblivious to your every move and glance. you think you're so great. ever wondered why i cant stand you? you're biased. i cant stand people who show favouritsm. biased piece of shit.
oh how sad... the sec 4s are leaving. days go by and before you know it, it will be the last time you see them again, ever. i cant fathom what girls mean by all those "i miss you" speeches they wrote on the farewell cards. even though i dont really know all the sec4s, i guess they are nice after all. am i crapping? it seems like i am. what was i to say on the farewell cards? i really wonder, dont the people feel awkward writing all of those stuff when you dont even really know them? all i wanted to do was to stand around and read what those people wrote. maybe it's bcos most of them were frm SC primary... so they knew them since many yrs ago i guess? but then again, it could be just me and plain paranoia. aniwaes, dawn's holding a farewell party for them on friday. i can go... but how on earth am i supposed to get home? siigh. problems arise once again. they never end.
i dont know what's happeneing to me. gosh... how many times have i asked myself this question? i feel totally sadistic and almost suicidal now. how many times have i been tempted by the lure of the penknives. but then to think again... i think i have a low threshold for pain. i feel threatened by the pure living memories residing in me. everything is becoming a blur to me. i'm losing touch with the world. from political, media, social. everything. why am i so odd?

why do these things keep happening to me?

life is so BEAUTIFUL, yet so HORRID.

gahs. i'm not making any sense am i?
my brain's tuning out.
i dont know wat on earth i'm doing.
i havent practise my scales.
i've got anthr piano lesson tmr.
i am so dead.
and what am i doing online when i can go to sleep?
i dont know.
i am FREAKING WEIRD.
i'm getting paranoid.
i'm getting ignored.
i'm getting ostracised, maybe not, but paranoia kicks in.
i'm getting PISSED.
i AM stressed.
i AM sadistic.
i might as well be suicidal.
and lastly, i agree i AM crapping.

first day of the month and it's already like EFF EU SEE KAYY. i kena booked by prefect tis morning for socks la. WTF. subliminal mindfucking nation. i'm gonna die under this immense load of pressure. from homework, that, specifically.
but chinese was an unexpectedly happy period for me. i finally PASSED my chinese composition since the first term?! sorta like euphoria cos it's really shocking for me to pass that. haha. wat's even more shocking was tt only ONE mark had been deducted from errors in writing the chinese character.
oh. heather, i agree with you. i just went to your livejournal acc. with all these cliques i just recently noticed in our class, our class cheers do SEEM quite hypocritical... siigh. but what can we do? practically nothing. contentious issues. conflicts arise because of all these cliques. how sad. i wonder... is it always the same everywhere?
actually, the class itself is already hypocritcal to the name of our class - Sincerity. how often do you see people display the significance of that word. people ACT. okay, it's just me being paranoid again. but i cant help but to feel that way. well, you can take danielle and i for example when we din do our eng tb hehs.

hahs. all of a sudden i feel the sudden impulse on going out. not exactly shopping. shopping isnt one of my niches NOR my favourites. it's just going out with your friends and make a hell lot of noise down the shopping mall's corridors screaming and everything haha. well i missed that. i havent exactly gone out with jia ying, ruici nor zi wei a very long time liao. siigh.

let's eat fries the BETRIS wayy... ((: